But everything changes...

I moved the house this week. Actually, Shiloh packed it, and my friends moved all of it. It was a huge blessing to not have to lift a thing. We now live on the third floor with four sets of stairs. I didn't picture this being an issue until I've actually had to do it several times a day. Amazing how much energy it takes when your packing a belly and an 18 month old. Not to mention any item that needs to go from the car to the house. I clearly have been out of shape for to long. No better time than now to pick up the habit again :) We live back in Eagle River, right in the middle of downtown! When it warms up a bit I will be walking everywhere, all the time. This place has a two car garage as well! That means all the dead wildlife, safe, and freezer will be in Shiloh's new sanctuary.


 I'm considering giving Tuffy to my parents. I love the thing but I find myself constantly annoyed that he has to go outside, or get exercise, or that he licks...things i should just accept cos HE'S A DOG. I hate his bark or when he whines. Shiloh and I adored him before we had Levi, imagined Tuffy being 16 and being our beloved forever dog. Now I just am irritated. My father calls tuffy "the greatest dog in the world" and they have another dog and a fenced in backyard. Ugh, it would be much better for him down there. My parents have three foster children right now as well and he would get so much more attention. I can't imagine having a newborn and Levi and taking the dog out everyday.  Time will tell, could be the pregnancy talking. SPEAKING of that, I truly believe "pregnancy brain" is a real thing. I called GCI to have them help me with the tv and the guy told me to put the twist cord thing into the wall. So I did that for like five minutes, getting more frustrated that it wouldn't twist and stay in the wall! I am ashamed to admit I was twisting it to the left...not the right. Oh, another one. So we just got this garage and I closed the door while sitting in my car. And for two seconds I sat there when the door was shut. Then I was like AH TURN OFF THE CAR! Could have unintentionally killed Levi and myself( I was sitting there because the heated seats are amazing). Then later that day I almost started the car with the door shut! Last time I was pregnant I hit the car into a very LARGE cement pole. I do not know what to make of it.


My whole life I have never had cable tv. My grampa had it, and it was a treat to go to his house and veg the whole day. In fact, anywhere I've ever gone that has cable(hotels, friends houses) has made my heart jump a little and be excited that I could get the chance to watch it. Up until recently I've loved trash tv/reality shows. Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, Cheaters, Cops, you name it I've loved it. So this new apartment has cable built into the rent already and so now I have access to e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Uh, weird! Only I find now that these shows are disgusting. I wonder why this has changed for me so suddenly. Maybe its been happening slowly ever since Levi was born. Watching my language and how I talk to Shiloh weighs on me all the time because I have this little sponge observing everything. Now that this portal to the world is right there on my dresser it makes me disturbed to even watch deplorable behavior. The temptation has disappeared and it is very strange. 
I guess those are all the random thoughts I have for this day. 

. I love looking back on memories and remembering what sweet simple times they were. The downside is always that those memories are never as perfect as you remember them. At least for me that is true. I always think and remember "oh, how perfect it was to be 16" psh, yeah right! i was a mountain of emotion and attitudes. Even when I went to college life I took life for granted and kept searching for my future to find me. Now that its here, I spend time in the past. Backwards thinking! I need to take my thought captive and be in the present. One of my favorite quotes is ::

"Sometimes without conscience realization, our thoughts, our faith, our interests are entered into the past. We talk about other times, other places, other persons, and lose our living hold on the present. Sometimes we think if we could just go back in time we would be happy. But anyone who attempts to re-enter the past is sure to be disappointed. Anyone who has ever revisited the place of his birth after years of absence is shocked by the differences between the way the place actually is, and the way he has remembered it. He may walk along old familiar streets and roads, but he is a stranger in a strange land. He has thought of this place as home, but finds he is no longer here even in spirit. He has gone on to a new and different life, and in thinking longingly of the past, he has been giving thought and interest to something that no longer really exists. This being true of the physical self, how much more true it is of the spiritual self. "




I can't get over these words and how they have played a piece in my life.
pretty proud this is post #2 and it hasn't been 6 months since the last one! :-P I miss facebook. darnit.

So many blogs...

I think I have around four blogs floating around out there. I don't remember the names of them or even what websites to search for! Ahh, its kind of embarrassing. They each have like one post haha. I figured make a blog that is tied to your e-mail so you'll never be able to forget!
I don't really know why I want one of these but it feels like its a great place to start. I say that because I recently gave up Facebook for an undetermined amount of time...so...pick a new habit right? No, I really want to start writing down my random thoughts. I used to have a "xanga" in high school and its so awful to go back and look at how..unrestrained I was? I don't know if thats the right word but you know how it is to be in high school and to be all over the place emotionally.
I am sitting here waiting for Shiloh to get home from a friends house. Everytime I get on the computer I resist the automatic urge to go to facebook! I figure I should get distracted in a more productive way. I'd like to write a lot about Levi and what he's doing so I can print off each post and stow it away to make a tiny booklet of them.
I realize this blog won't be very organized, probably very scatterbrained with no real goal of accomplishing a statement each post. Just a warning.

I named this blog "coming into my own" because the past six months have been very difficult. Making mistakes in various parts of my life cause me to go back and re-evaluate what I stand for. I'm not the person I want to be and I don't feel like I was making any effort to change. Its so painful to realize who you are is ugly. That no matter how much you want to be perfect or whatever, that you'll fail in some way. I'm trying to rely less on myself everyday and be transparent and realize I need other people. And most importantly, God.
My dad writes in his journal every day. And someday I'd like to go back and read what he's written about himself, us kids, everything. Its 20 years of personal history, and I admire that. I wish I had been more disciplined as a kid to do that, it might be helpful to go back and remember the challenges over the years.
Its a feeling of vulnerability to post whats going on on the inside. Its actually kind of scary too. Sometimes I just like having a safe place to vent where I know nobody will be there to judge my thoughts.
Anyways, think that guy is back home now, hopefully I'll keep up on this thing, I surely would like too :-)

-hill-